Thinking of Her

Thinking of her, for me, has very much been a daily affair. Usually it takes place before I go to sleep, or after I just woke up but hasn’t gotten out of bed. Sometimes I think of her on the journey home. All I have to do is to close my eyes...

She is the sweetest thing I have ever laid my eyes on and I will never forget the day I met her.

21 June 2001

The 1st time I saw her was during our church camp. She was wearing the red Love NUS T-shirt. Her innocence and gentleness radiates from her like rays of light radiates from the sun. And she got the sweetest smile in the world, sweeter than a girl's mouth stuffed with sugar. Just thinking about it makes me fall in love with her all over again.

She is a very unique girl, really. I dun think there will ever be a girl with a heart as pure, innocent and gentle as hers. The only thing I can think of with as much gentleness as hers would be a rabbit. In all her actions, the way she moves, the way she speaks, and her innocence flows out like a never-ending stream of river. Although she is not the Fann Wong kind of beautiful, neither is she tall and leggy like a super model, she is pleasant and pretty to look at. And the sight of her takes my breath away. Every time.

A little more than a year ago (18 July 2003 to be exact), I told her I liked her. Well, not actually, but she knew what I meant. And to cut the long story short, she did not feel the same for me, and the last I saw of her was 26 March 2004, 1145pm.

I was heart-broken, to say the least. And the world has never been the same for me since. Fast forward to 6 months later and here I am: Thinking of her before I go to bed.

Since that time, she has smsed me a few times, asking me how I have been and stuff like that. Thinks she felt bad for breaking my heart. I almost never reply her though. I dun know what to say to her. The only thing I want to tell her is that I still think of her everyday. But I dun think that is a very good idea either.

Last night she smsed me again. Commented that she hasn't seen me in church for a long time. Well, its because I dun think I can handle it if I saw her again. But of course I did not tell her that. Every time she smsed, I tried my best not to go on a emotional roller coaster.

But its okay - I'm getting used to it, I think.

Mac Movies

Met FF for movie today. Its becoming a weekly affair. As usual, we meet 15 minutes before the movie, grab a Mac EVM + hot fudge sundae before hitting the cinema. I must say that these weekly movies are begining to have an adverse effect on the size of my tummy. Resolve to stop eating Mac's for movies. But then again, its hard to ignore that craving for a Double Cheeseburger.

A: "I feel like a Double Cheeseburger"

B: "What does a Double Cheeseburger feel like?"

Haha

Was suppose to watch The Grudge but thank God FF decided to watch it with someone else yesterday (I think that horror movies are... well... horrible). Watched Shark Tales this time round. Slightly disappointed I must say. Not that it is bad though, its just that I had higher expectations. Went into the cinema hoping to watch a 10/10 movie. Its funny and everything, the actors are great and I could practically see Will Smith's face on Oscar (the fish, not the awards). But too bad its a little too predictable. I think the trailer can tell the whole story.

I rate it 8.5/10

Meaningless Meaningless Meaningless

Work Work Work. Pressure, Late nights, Deadlines. Advancing in your career, Climbing up the corporate ladder. Storing Wealth and Possessions. Buying a lot of guitars. What will we gain at the end of the day? Will we not be reduced to ashes and dust 80 years down the road? Or even 30 years if we are not lucky.

Meaningless! Meaningless!! Everything is meaningless!!!

What does Man gain from all his labour which he toils under the sun? All things that he gains, he gains for his own pleasure, yet the pleasure is short lived. All things he gathers, he gathers for his fancy, yet his fancy will not last. (You only have to think of your latest handphone to know what I mean)

"In this world there are 2 tragedies. One is not getting what you want, and the other is getting it." - Oscar Wilde

Why do Man work so hard to build something that does not last? All his energy, all his effort, all his time goes to the advancement of his own pride. All that he has created, built, improved, is it not to feed his own pride? Yet pride is forever insatiable, always demanding for more. So what if we become the richest man on earth? The strongest? The most powerful? After that do we not still want a little more?

Why do Man chase after the wind? Spending his lifetime to pursue the certain something that eventually eludes him. Why do I - I! - work so hard for something that only provide temporal pleasure? A new toy (be it handphone, guitar or car) will only last that long. After that it no longer satisfy and I go in search of a new one. And so what if I get a toy that outlasts my lifespan? Do I get to enjoy it after I am dead? And to pass it to my descendent is to pass the dilemma to him. Do I want to teach him to value the temporal like I did?

Somebody help me out here.

Our purpose in life has become more and more self-centered. Everyday we go in search of things to entertain us. It is as if our ultimate meaning to life is to be entertained. If not, why then do we pay entertainers obscene amount of money, just so that they can give us that couple of hours on pleasure TV everyday? We pore over every word they say as though they are holy scripture; we study their lives as if their rich and famous lifestyles echo the melody of heaven; as if they are the gods of lives, we worship David Beckhem, Britney Spears and Kylie Minogue.

And lets not forget the Devil incarnation himself (or should I say herself) Paris Hilton.

Since when has Man worked for a little more love, joy and peace?

The meaning of the existence of the Human Race is, at best, a paradox. It's like we work so hard to create a better tomorrow, and yet we are conveniently destroying the planet. Ultimately, we do not know what we want, and our stubborn efforts only serves to hasten our paths to our Armageddic destruction.

I think I'd make a good Doomsday Prophet.

S.A.D

I declare this to be S.A.D Day. Sad And Depressing Day.

Today I failed my physical fitness test which is a criteria to go for my parachuting course. Actually I have a lot of excuses.

1. I did not have enough rest
2. I was not prepared enough
3. I was having diarrhea

But at the end of the day, excuses are only excuses and the fact is I failed the test. And ultimately, I have only myself to blame.

After that, a sense of worthlessness looms over me like a dark cloud upon my soul. This feeling is very much similar to what I experience when I cannot pass my 10km running test last year. It lingers sneeringly in my spirit mocking, questioning my very existence. As though my eyes and ears are directly linked, the closing of my eyes intensely amplify the voice of the Devil.

"You are so useless", He says, "so useless you are better off dead"


------
Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven." But why do I not feel so? The feeling of "Blessed" and the feeling of "poor in spirit" is totally opposite in nature!

This deserve a little more effort in thought to discuss this issue. I am too tired. Will write on it again another day.....

Good English?

Most people who know me and read my blog has this comment:

What I wrote in my blog is very different from what I portray myself to be in real life.

Meaning to say, if you read my blog before you know me, you will be very surprised at what you see when you meet me in person. The general consensus is that I write better than I speak. That would be very true. I do enjoy writing much more than I do speaking.

Speaking require confrontation. Writing does not. That's why I thrive under the power of the pen rather than of the tongue. I am very bad at confrontations, not being able to think on my feet. (Writing always sit down wan mah!) Though I have been working on this weakness of mine, I still need some time to fully overcome it. May it come to pass that one day I will speak as well as I write.

Amen

Not that I write very well though. I just like to play with words thats all. I know of friends who make my English look like Sesame Street standard. Wait until you see what they write in their school/ work, then you will know what is good English.

Which reminds me, in my blog yesterday, I wrote, "others retaliated in aggressive defense."

I am not very comfortable with that; I think "others retaliated in defensive aggression." sounds better.

There, I feel so much better now.

Anyway, check this out. This is what my good friend, CT wrote in the Acknowledgment part of her thesis:

"From the initial days of swatting in the dark, to the pseudo-enlightenment at the midpoint of the race, culminating in the frazzled tempers during the final splint towards completion, this thesis has been a labour of love for this author"

Is that not good English or what?

RE: Yesterday's post

Sigh... nobody left any comments in my previous 2 blogs. This is so sad....

Well, actually I did get a lot of response for my previous blog. The church bashing one... From friendster to msn/ icq to smses... A few nod in agreement, some expressed words of comfort and others reteliated in aggressive defense.

Ok, probably I was a little harse in writing the blog as I had written yesterday. Perhaps I have let my emotions get the better of me. Or maybe I fell into the trap of inadvertent exaggeration. Obviously, not everyone in the church is what I had described. There are nice people in the church too.

Strawberry is one of those nice people in church. And Strawberry insists that her leader was a nice lady also. And if Strawberry says it is so, then it is so.

Probably I will want to add that I feel the people that I interact with in church are young for me. And being young people, they are only behaving as young people do. (Translate as childish people doing immature things.)

Me? I have a heart that is old and weary. I almost never like to do things that young people like to do. Young people like to listen to Britney Spears and Maroon 5. I listen to songs sung by people who are dead since 30 years ago. Young people like partying and excitement. I like serenity and quietness. Young people like to find other young people to go out. I like to play with little girls and little boys.

But rest assured I am not a phedophile, neither am I Michael Jackson.

My Church and I

I have been getting quite a few comments and response from people, even strangers*, who have read my blog. I just want to take this opportunity to thank everybody again for your kind attention.

After I posted my thoughts on the Church a couple of entries ago. I've gotten quite a few feedback, from agreement, empathy and even apologises. I value all the responses but some things are not easily resolved with just mere words.

One particular response echo my own sentiments:

"The church is so big and leaders are so busy one often feels insignificant and lost in the crowd. I wonder where is the fellowship and sincerity? The genuine concern and involvement? Maybe we are all so busy and stressed that our hearts have gone cold."

My ministry, I feel, has become very much numeral oriented, task focus and management based. When I was still attending church, a lot of times I wonder why am I still going there? The House of Holies has become elite honouring, hero-worshipping, Prima Donna biased.

"Look out for No. 1"

Cell members pay tribute to the cell leader with the biggest cell and honour the member who participate in the most activities. People gravitate to pastors with the more to offer. Worshippers flock to the kid with the $4000 dollar guitar. (ok, I'm jealous of the kid - I want that guitar too!)

Yes, the Elitist Culture disgusts me. They are so obsessed with celebrating the victories that they conveniently neglect those that are poor in spirit. People who are disappointed, people who are heart broken, people who are mourning.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. " - Matthew 5:4

Somehow, that is not really happening in our church. There are so many heart broken people in the church who require a little more love and attention but most of the time, what they receive is a lecture on what is wrong with their lives, complete with a "more pious than thou" attitude. I used to spend most of my time (and $) on those that are meek, rejected and despondent. The last thing they do is to go to their leaders. But the problem is, when I am heart broken, I have no one to turn to.

That brings me to my next point.

The leaders are quick to dispense law and pronounce judgment, but slow is showing grace and mercy. That's why usually people only show their good side. The bad, the dark and the ugly side stays hidden, locked in a corner until it cannot be contained any longer. Until then everything will appear normal, but after that, all hell break loose.

Yeah, I'm talking about myself. Haha

Well, I still do believe in God and I hope to go back to the Community someday. I want to change the culture that states that bigger is better. I want to build an Eden, where the broken-hearted will come for comfort, where the sorrowful will find relieve, where the weary will find rest, where the despairing will find hope.

But now is not the time. Now I am not ready. Now I need to find strength for myself. Now I need to return to the Source for my own revival. Now I need to find my own paradise, my own Shangri La, my own Eden.

Now I am late for my movie.



*strangers = people who are strange

Final Fantasy

I have a alternate reality fantasy world in which I live day to day. Its been in my mind for the longest time I remember, sort of like a childhood fantasy which refuse to die, a form of deliberate hallucination, controlled schizophrenia that hasn't made me crazy yet.

Think Alley Mcbel + A Beautiful Mind.

It took me a long time to realise I am living in this fantasy world. I now know that it is my inability to cope with the real world that this alternate reality came about. I have wrote a bit about how I had a hard time as a child. Actually a lot of it has not gotten better even as I grow up. There are still a lot of issues to resolve. So every time the sorrow and loneliness becomes too hard to bear, I escape into my fantasy world.

This world of mine consist of everything unreal, supernatural and illogical. Often updated with the latest movie I watched, the newest comics I read and whatever I'm watching on TV. In it I am the lord, the king, the hero. In it I do whatever I want. I can be Spiderman, Sun Goku or Zhang Wuji. I fly if I want to, shoot out fire balls at will and dish out all the kung fu moves I saw on TV. In it I always win.

This world is still very much active within me now. And everytime the real thing gets too tough for me (which is still quite often) I run into my own universe. Probably that is why it is some times so hard for people to talk to me.

I have forgotten how to live in the real world.

Today marks the end of a long and tiring week for me. Really thank God its over. Its been a week of restless nights, hectic days and biscuit meals. (except for the night I sneaked off to watch Sky Captain) I'd sworn I lost 3 kg this week.

*pinch my tummy*

Doesn't feel like it...

Tonight was the time I showcased my project which I and my team had been slogging for the past month. A farewell tribute video for my boss who is moving on to another department. Boy was I proud of it. The video came out beautifully, with music and all. The video had a few glitches and the sound goes a bit off at times but out of it flowed the heart of all of us who worked at it. For a full 12 minutes, all eyes were fixed on our work. For a full 12 minutes, nobody did anything else, For a full 12 minutes, nothing else in the world mattered.

The video ended with applause from the audience and a teary eye from my boss. For all the hard work I put in, all the weekend I burnt, I think it was worth every bit of it.

Me, myself and I

I am the most self-centered, self serving, selfish person I know. I would like to think that I am a helpful person but I am not. I would like to think that I do things for the good of others but I do not. I would very much like to live my life for other people but I cannot.

Bryam Adams sings "Everything I do, I do it for you".

But everything I do, I do it for myself. There is no doubt about it. If I am honest enough, if I look into myself deep enough, all my behaviour, every one of my action, each of my motivation, everything boils down to me, Me, ME.

ME.

Everytime I set out to do something, I only do it for myself. When I do something to help others, it is also for my self-centered agenda. I help others out of my own convenience, I help others so that next time they will help me back, I help others so that they will like me. I do all the things that I do to gain satisfaction, recognition and reputation. For myself and only myself.

I have not done anything good for anybody. Even if I did, it was a by-product of my self-serving motives. I wish people good day so that they will wish me back. I sms-ed people to ask how they are, so that they can reply and ask me how I am. I call people up so that they will talk to me.

I go all out to help people so that they will buy me lunch... or dinner. (depending on the time of the day.)

To all the people who think that I am a nice guy, I am sorry to say that you are gravely mistaken. I am nothing more than a self-centered bastard, who does things only to please myself.

I live in the pits of my selfish nature, hiding in darkness, shunning from the Light.

God help me. (notice the “me” again)

Skiving when on duty

Went to watch Sky Captain today.

Not a bad show. Nice effects and pretty actress. The entire atmosphere gives a feeling like the old English comic books. Very cool. Very very cool. A lot of computer generated background that gives a very 1900's setting. A refreshing change from the usually Hollywood style movies.

Read that the villian was a computer generated image of a dead famous actor. Cool.


Been working my arse off for the past 3 days and have been pretty tired. Hope to have some good rest soon. (Hopefully finally dun have to work this Saturday)

Wish to write more but really very tired. Going to sleep now. Will update again soon.

Much a-blog about nothing

I dun know how to use this thing!!!

How come my friends' blog got so many interesting things but mine can only put in words? How to put in pictures? How to link to my friends' blog? How to add comments and Speak Now? How to link music in my blog?

I am the only idiot I know who uses my own name in a blog.

Many have commented, within this blog or otherwise, that my blog has a lot of negativity. True enough. I put a lot of my negative thoughts in my blog. Otherwise I have no place for an outlet. Actually I not a very gloomy person to the people around me. Seldom do I carry the dark cloud of doom when I go out and meet my friends. That is why many of my friends are surprised that I have so much negativity in my life.

Welcome to my world. There is more to come... hang in there.

Went to church today. That's something to blog about. Have not gone to church since that time. Can't say that the service is bad, but can't say that its good either. Pastor preached about the goodness of singlehood. Bet a lot of people dun accept it fully, but most of them will just agree with the sermon.

"If Pastor preached it, it must be correct. I cannot say it out if I disagree with it. What will others think of me? Must pretend to agree that Pastor is correct, even when I'm dying to get attached and married!"

You get what I'm trying to say. Hypocrites. I see a lot of this type of people in church. Then there are the leaders who come and say "Dun agree never mind, just obey!"

Hmm... Think that's enough church bashing for now. Anyway there are nice people in church also, just that I have not met many.

Saw my name in Strawberry's blog today. Hee. Made my day.

TGI Fridays

Actually today is Saturday... In fact, 8pm @ Saturday. But yesterday was so an interesting day for me I think I should take some time to blog it down.

First of all, I want to take a minute to thank the people who have been taking the trouble to read my blog. It showed how much you cared about little old me. Special thanks to Finicky Feline (how do you get this nick anyway?) and Strawberry who check on my blog daily to see if I have any new post. Also I know there are few others more who took the trouble to read my blog.

Thank you.

Anyway, back to my TGI Yesterday. Started my day with a 5km fast march. No a great distance but it really shacked me out. Haha. Think I'm getting old. This (Saturday) morning I woke up aching all over. My butt is definitely firmer after yesterday.

TGI Yesterday cos it's a pseudo mini spiritual revival day for me. Went to the Christian Fellowship meeting @ my camp during lunch time. Dun know why but something touched my heart there. I have been avoiding everything Christian since I stop going to church 6 months ago. Not that I stopped believing in God, but I got pretty sick and tired of some of the things I have been seeing in the Church. I know that nobody's perfect but often times, I felt that the Church is some what less humble than what God want us to be.

Actually, a part of me misses Church and the fellowship but then again, I really hate going back now. Everybody will be like "Welcome back! We missed you! How have you been?" and all that sh*t. A lot of noise but little sincerity. And I hate the idea of having to explain myself over and over and over and over again. Then there is the guilt trip they put you through cos you "caused them to worry".

Enough of that for now.

Had a wonderful movie and dinner date with a beautiful lady friend today. Never expect to catch New Police Story after so long. It's a good show. Jackie Chan has evolved. Think because he is older already, so there is less of the high energy action sequence. It is definitely obvious that he has mellowed. The plot's not too bad but my friend felt that it was a wee bit exaggerated. She enjoyed herself googling at Daniel Wu though

Next show to watch would be Sky Captain.

My childhood fantasy

Hmm..... my 2nd blog...

Actually I do have a lot of things that I want to write down. That's why I started this blogging thing. But right now, I have no idea what I want to write...

Maybe I start by addressing some of the feedback and comments I got since I wrote the last blog. Some of my friends were surprised by what I wrote, some of them amused. I suppose part of the reason I started this blog is to show the world a side of me that is otherwise hidden. It is for my friends to know me better and also an outlet for expression which I need so badly.

So guys, this is the real me, at least more real than the mask I put on before I face the world everyday.

My Childhood Fantasy

I will bet a hundred million dollars that you will never guess what my childhood fantasy is in a hundred million years. Anyway, I will tell you... (are you sure you dun want to guess 1st before reading on???)




My childhood fantasy is to DESTROY THE WORLD!!!

I am serious. That is the kind of despair and hopelessness I grew up in. The Human Species, I reasoned, had absolutely no reason to carry on. We destroy the plants, we destroy the animals, we destroy the planet, heck we are even destroying ourselves! I thought "How can God, if there ever is one, (I believed there is One and I still do) allow the Humans to mess up the place like that? I believed that the world would be a better place if there were no Humans around. I envisioned a paradise without Man's destruction and everything else lived in peace.

World Peace - the first thing to do is kill all the beauty queens.

Welcome to my world.

The main cause of this dream of mine, as I look back now, is probably the lack of Love in my life. I dun know how to love and I dun know how to be loved. Partly because my parents dun know how to show love to me and I was not taught how to love others. I still remember the loneliness, the despair and the hopelessness I faced everyday. So much so that I wanted to take my life. But I was not satisfied with that, I wanted to kill all the Humans, cause the world would be a much better place without them.

Throw in an endless pile of homework and an authoritarian cane-wielding mother and that pretty much sums up my childhood.

Anyway, I sort of outgrew that fantasy now, though sometimes I still feel that the world could be so much more a better place if we do not do all the things we are doing now.

About Me

"Me" is a loner, by choice and by circumstance. Most of the time I prefer to be alone, running through my six-strings with barrage of notes only I would understand.

"Me" dun like big crowds and parties. I shut my true self from the world, allowing only an exclusive few to see. I lock my heart from the Human interaction, imprison it with iron, stone and concrete. Because it can only take so much pain.

"Me" is a bundle of contradictions. I hate the society yet I strive in it. I hate expectations yet I work to fulfil them. I hate loneliness yet I choose to be alone. I hate the world yet I yearn to be loved.

"Me" is a hopeless romantic, who believes that someday the end will come and everything will be beautiful again.