Sunday, February 27, 2005

Fruitless Day... ...

Cannot believe that I could not get anybody to watch Ray with me today. Almost wanted to go ahead and watch the movie alone. Me, myself and I. Finally decided that I should go home and watch Bedazzled on TV instead. Save money on movie, save money on food. Above all, Bedazzled was a nice movie to watch on a lazy Sunday night.

I also went to the guitar shop which I brought my guitar for repair two weeks ago. Its been two long weeks and I expect the guitar to be ready by now. But no, they accidentally moved my axe to the back of the store and had conveniently forgot about it.

While I was there, I looked around for a classical guitar to buy for my tenant, so that she got one of her own and need not borrow from me. But after playing all the cheapo guitars, I failed all of them, because all of them cannot make it, even for absolute beginners. The only near decent guitar cost $120 and it is a bit out of my budget, so I will have to re-consider the purchase.

In fact, I did not manage to buy anything that I had set out to buy today. The only money I had spent was the travel expense for the MRT ride for my trip. In a way, it is good. I have to be much more frugal from now on cos I foresee that when my car comes in two months time, I will have so much less money to spend every month.

On a happier note, She accepted me on her Friendster today. Which is a blog-worthy thing cos she almost never log on the Internet. The last time she went to her Friendster account was in Nov 2004. Before that was like April 2004. The amazing thing is that I only requested to add her this morning and when I checked again this evening, she had already accepted my request. Is this fate? (Ya, only when I am deceiving myself. Haha)

My cell group prayed for me and Her yesterday though. Well, sort of... Anyway, I dare not think anything will happen from it. I can only hope and pray...

Dear Diary

Hi guys,

Sorry for the long break. Been busy with my work the whole of this week and I was too tired to blog anything the past two days. However, after returning from such a long break, I do not know what to blog about.

There's nothing much to blog about this week, really. Maybe just a quick recount of what happened in my life this week.

Monday - Work. Prepare for exercise for next 3 days.
Tuesday - Start of exercise. I am the Admin OIC (aka shit job officer)
Wednesday - Continue exercise. More shit jobs.
Thursday - Endex (End exercise) at 1800 o'clock. Make sure all the shit are cleared up before everybody leaves.
Friday - Dun feel like working. Went to play mahjong. Lost 270 dollars.
Saturday - Lazy, Tired, Sleep. Play Guitar and sleep. Went church and cell in the evening. I still like my new cell group.
Sunday - Nothing much... Yet. Hope to watch Ray later.

Something occurred to me: Sometimes I feel the need to write this blog for the reason other than myself. That is to say I sometimes feel the need to write for the sake of my readers. Its kinda weird considering I started writing this blog as a diary kind of thing. Its like "Dear diary, sorry I din write you these few days..."

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Some reflection...

Eh, this will a long blog, take your time to read. Anyway, except maybe for tomorrow (210205), I will be free to update my blog for the rest of the week. Also, remember to let your eyes rest every 15 minutes.

This week has been a week of reflection for me. I have thought about many things - about what I have done for the past 26 and half years of my life, what I have accomplished, what my weaknesses are, what I want to do with my life from now on...

This is actually triggered by some feedback from my superior earlier this week. This is the time of the year in the SAF where the superiors give an annual feedback to their subordinates. And shortly afterwards, another superior, out of goodwill, also gave me some feedback that he had observed.

Personally, I have the tendency to handle feedbacks rather negatively, in the sense that I always focus on the negative comments more than the positive ones. And the one thing that is common from both my superiors is that they felt that they have not seen my full potential in action, and also there are some lacking in my abilities that I have to improve upon.

This time round, I took the feedback much more seriously than any other time. And I spent a lot of time pondering on what I want to do with it. More importantly, I thought about how I want to live my life from now on.

So here are the main points of my reflection:

1. I will commit to excel in my work. This is not easy to do, especially since my performance has always been mediocre. But I decided "If I cannot be good in the things that I am required to, what good can I be?" And I have an uphill task to change the impression that other people have on me. Probably I will focus most of my efforts on this area of my life now.

2. I will be more serious with my life (tying in with being more serious with my work). I think I have wasted too much time on things that doesn't really matter. From now on, I will waste less time on the pleasures of this world and spend more time on things that matter more, like God, work, family and friends.

3. I will be more serious with my God. I think it is time to get serious with my God after almost 1 year of playing fugitive. Though I have been going to church, but the fact of the matter is, I have not done anything else more that that. So I joined a new cell group this weekend. (but more on that later). Hope I will be able to follow through with this commitment.

In fact, I hope that I can follow through with all the resolutions and commitments that I had made this week. This is not the 1st time I wanted to change myself, but more often than not, I only manage to take 1 tiny step at a time. Hope this time I can stay committed to all the I have said.


On a more upbeat note, I bought my 1st car last Saturday. It is a Silver coloured KIA Cerato. Actually my mother wanted the car more than I do. I can get by happily without a personal vehicle and take the public transport instead. Afterall, buses and mrts are the best place to look at pretty girls from all over the country. Anyway, I guess I'm pretty blessed to get the car, and I want to thank my my parents for it.

On the other hand, I think its a pain to go shopping with parents. Their tastes and sense of beauty is so much diverse from my own, and the way my mother bargained with the car salesman, I really felt sorry for him... Anyway, My mother paid for half of the car so I can't complain... One thing though, I can only get the car at the end of April, which is like a 2 and half months wait.


As I was saying just now, I joined a new cell group this weekend. Actually, this friend of mine, Jiahui, has been asking me to join her cell group but I have been pushing it aside. This week, finally I decided to give it a go. Call it fate (We call it God's will) but I made a point not to look for Jiahui nor the cell but rather I just went ahead for my dinner after service. (Usually in our church, cell groups will meet up for a short time after church service.) Lo and Behold! I met them on the way for my dinner and that's how I ended up joining them.

I had a wonderful time at cell group today. There is only 5 person, including myself, in the cell group. I like cell groups that are small. I dun like cell groups that are big and has many many people. And I like my new cell leader. She's got the elegance of a princess. And I like the way she conduct the cell group, which is well... nice. (Sorry can't find another word for it)

Anyway, took a picture of the cell and here it is!


Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day...

Hihi… It’s me again. Saving the world from doing duty on Valentine’s Day. Heehee, it’s also a good way to hide my loser-ness of not having a date on this special day. Especially as an officer, your guys will come ask you “Ah Sir, today got date or not?” And its so embarrassing to tell them I am unwanted on Valentine’s Day. So I hide behind the guise of having to do duty on this day.

Bought a bouquet of white roses for Her. A dozen white rose, with the decorations and everything. Her sister told me she like white roses. Hope she likes it when she receives them. Right now she haven’t receive the bouquet yet, as usually she doesn’t go home until about 11pm at night on Monday. Or maybe she’s got a nice Valentine’s Day date. Honestly, I’m too scared to think about it.

At least there was last night where I got to spend about one hour with her (and also her sister) just before Valentine’s Day itself. After that when I reached home, I was so happy that I could not sleep the whole night. As a result, I am so tired I can hardly function today. But at least I am happy. Haha.

Update @ Midnight: She had received the flowers at 11.05pm. She smsed me "" Hey Guojun, thanks for the flowers. Is it Shan told you I like white roses? Thanks but you shouldn't waste the money." I know what she meant. Of course I did not expect her to say "The roses are beautiful. Now I love you forever" but still, her reply was a little heart breaking. Well, that sort of end the chapter for now. I dunno when our paths will cross again. I hope it will be soon.

I am happy, even if it's just tonight...

Today I went shopping for a car with my parents. Actually my Mom was the one who wanted to get it, cause she is doing some catering stuff. But I will get to drive it most of the time cos she only needs to use it during the weekends. What I hate about going out to buy stuff with my parents is that they like to decide on everything. Dad got his expert opinion in this case, and Mom has her own requirements. So I kept my mouth shut most of the time. Two opposing perspective is distructive enough. I do not want to add on to the chaos.

Finally, they decide on the KIA Rio, which I personally think is ugly beyond redemption, and I told them so. They complained that I should have said earlier, but if I have said so before that, they would have paid little attention. Finally, we narrowed down to the Cerato, which I like cos there is a built in DVD player and a touch screen display. I know what you are thinking: nobody watches DVDs when they are driving but I think it will be cool cos that is something none of my friends have. Haha.

We haven't sign the papers yet. Mom wants to compare prices further (dun all women do that?) but hopefully we will get that one.

Anyway, the reason why I am so happy tonight? I met Her.

I went to her place to help her change her guitar strings as promised. She look.. well... the same - as beautiful as ever. To avoid any awkwardness, we avoided talking about us and instead, talked everything about guitars. Talking about guitars is my area of expertises, and to be able do to something for her, I cannot ask for anything more.

Right now, this is my happiest Valentine's Day ever.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

I hate surprises...

Yesterday, I went to play mahjong at my boss's place. But the journey there was so problematic that I arrived almost 1 hour late. The story is this: My Mom was was going to Chua Chu Kang for a event which she was catering for and she was suppose to drop me at Jurong East 1st before going over there. However, by the time she finished all her stuff and we left the house, she was already late so we went to her place 1st instead.

To cut the long (and agonising) story short, I was very much delayed and I arrived at my destination 1 hour late. Then come the next surprise, We were playing 2 rounds instead of the usual 3, and we were playing half the normal rate that we used to play. Sianz. In the end all my winnings have to cut by half. Well, at least the good news is that I won. Haha. But I was initially quite upset by all the surprises thrown at me that day.

Today watched Constantine with FF's good friend, EL. Its sort of like a 1st date for us. Haha. She agreed to buy the tickets 1st as she was already outside. But when I arrived at the cinema 15 minutes before the show starts, she was not even there yet! Boy was I pissed. Its a miracle that the tickets were not sold out yet. I joined the centepedial queue and managed to the the 2nd row from the front. She arrived like 5 minutes after the show's schedule to start. By that time, I was too angry to talk to her and I brought her straight to the cinema. Good thing we did not miss the start of the movie and the movie itself was good enough to put me into the happy mood again. So I forgave her after the movie. Constantine was a great movie to watch. Keanu Reeves is as cool as ever, the story is interesting and the effects are great.

After the movie we met up with FF and all of us went to my place for a CNY function/ dinner. Heehee, I am sorry I did not packed my room before they came and FF took a picture of it, so that I can show it to everybody in my blog.


Edit: Took the photo out cos my face is causing too much controversy. Apparantly I am too ugly. Sorry for the trauma I caused.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Fatt Choi Spirit Left Me....

Went to watch The Seoul Raiders at Lido yesterday. I have learnt one thing: If you are not visiting your friends and family for Chinese New Year, the only other thing to do is to watch a movie. If you know what a Lido is, just imagine at the queue and you will know. It goes alll the way to the KFC side.

*imgaine picture of people queueing in Lido, which I am too lazy to take*

Seoul Raiders was a good movie to watch. Good story, witty, and very entertaining. Tony Leung is soooo cool and suave and witty and charming and... and... and... Anywayz, lots of babes also, but they are more for eye candy than anything else.


Dinner was at auntie's house. It was a annual CNY dinner where we can get all the ang baos from all our relatives at once. Very convenient.


After dinner I went to colleugue's house to play mahjong. Lost all the money I won 2 days ago.


But my boss lost even more. Haha.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

New year, new start, new life.

Strange that I should be contemplating this on Lunar New Year instead of the more common 1st January New Year of the Roman Calendar. Maybe is the slow melancholic mood this day that caused me to think much about my life.

Did nothing today except to sleep and eat, and of course, play guitar. The rest of the family had gone visiting but somehow, I dun really bother. In a way, it's kinda sad that the young (like me) are losing the values of kinship and family but rather spend some time for myself and doing my own thing.

And I sit here, in front of my comp, thinking about the meaninglessness of my life. And wonder what still keeps me going. What is the air that feeds my every breath, that I want to keep on breathing? And what is this life that I am holding so dear to? On one hand, everything seems so meaningless and yet, on the other, I can't seem to be able to let go.

Can somebody tell me what is this thing that I am holding on to? That I am not able to let go and thus, let go of everything? Obviously, something is holding me back, but what? Is it my parents? My sister? Anything and everything that is near and dear to me? Are they holding me back in this world and denying my request to leave? No. There seem to be Something Bigger that is holding me back, and refusing my departure.

But what is it? Sometimes I dun give a damn to anything and everything, but I cannot do it all the time. Often times I will be affected by the things going on around me, like my family, my friends and my work. Other times it feels so tiring and bothersome that I dun care anymore.

Dunno if I am making sense here. Am just writing whatever that comes into my head.

Fatt Choi Spirit

Heehee, was watching this show called "Fatt Choi Spirit" last night on Channel 8 and was quite affected by the show. Because it makes winning at mahjong looks so easy. Turns out I'm not the only affected by it. My kakis start calling for people to come together.

At the stroke of midnight, we started our 3 rounds, 7 hours, CNY mahjong session. Haha. Turns the Fatt Choi Spirit is with me last night (or rather this morning) and I won quite a bit. Nice way to start the new year.

Heehee, I just found out: If you search "I Believe "my sassy girl" Piano Version" at Yahoo HK, you can find a link to my blog! Wahaha

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

CNY Dinner

Had a great time with my company mates yesterday for our Chinese New Year dinner.


Heehee. Steam boat at Marina South. Had a lot of fun eating and playing with my Ixus 40. But had a freaking bad time trying to get home. Mr. Sara dropped me and 2 other guys at Serangoon Rd which is suppose to be nearer to our place and we wanted to take a cab home from there. But waited for 1/2 hour for no taxi, until f*cking fed-up. In the end we walked more than 1km up to find a spot to get taxi. Finally got it another 1/2 hour later. By that time I had sworn very Hokkien vocab available.

Kena woken up by Dad today.

Dad: "Oei! You need to work today or not?"

Me: "No lah! Today holiday!!"
But after that cannot go back to sleep any more.
Took my baby for repair today. Stupid luthier charge me $140! Such a simple job also charge so expensive. But no choice, who ask me so "itchy fingers" and so stupid. Spend the rest of the day googling at pretty babes around Penisula Plaza area and Bras Basah. Heehee, there's no better way to spend the day walking around the turf and looking at all the beautiful babes on display.

And this is the one I have set my eyes on...


Model: PRS Soapbar SE

Neck: Mahogany Set Neck, Wide Fat Neck Carve
Fingerboard: Rosewood with Pearl & Abalone Moon Inlays
Body: Mahogany
Finish: Vintage Cherry

Scale Length: 25"
Width at Nut: 1 3/4"
String Width at Bridge: 2 1/16"
Overall Length: 39"
Weight: 5.3 Lbs

Pickups: (2) PRS black Soapbars
Controls: 1 Volume, 1 Tone, 3 Way Pickup Selector
Output Jack: 1/4" Side Mounted
Preamp: None

Bridge: Chrome PRS one-piece wraparound stoptail
Tuners: Chrome
Pickup Covers: Black
Knobs: Black Speedknobs
Ain't she a babe?

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Good Sunday

Pete Townshend, Keith Moon, John Entwistle and Roger Daltrey broke into the pound and released all the canines.

The police now have evidence that The Who let the dogs out.

Haha. I love that joke.

You know that the sunday is good when you get to play the guitar until your finger hurts.

guitar 1
However, I also managed to mess up my guitar in my amataur attempt to modify it. Guess now I have now choice but get it done professionally.

Also, Dad took my brother and I to this warehouse for Crocodile shirts to do our Chinese New Year shopping. But all the shirts there are like so dull and boring. Like old men shirts. But in the end, not to disappoint my Dad, I still bought a shirt.


Ugly, but for 5 bucks, it not a bad buy. And I dun have to worry about my CNY shopping anymore.
Heart is still aching like Hell though...

Saturday, February 05, 2005

I walk this lonely road, this only one that I ever known...

Warning: Morbid entry ahead

It's been 5 days and 12 hours since I heard the news. It's been a tough 5 and 1/2 days of emotional roller coaster. For 5 and 1/2 days, I went to sleep and wake up with the same feeling - like a knife piercing through the center of my heart. For the last 5 and 1/2 days, I wanted to die.

Today, I wake up more sober, more clear headed. It is a good thing cause, now that I can think properly, I can plan my suicide.

Its been a tough 26 years. I think I have had enough of it. This thing called "life" is getting a little too bothersome to maintain. I want to go to my Neverland.

Well, I have given much thought about it. I think the perfect way to die is to crash and burn in a Hot Red Ferrari F50. So the plan is very simple: For my suicide, I will proceed to rent a Ferrari for a day, go to TPE, drive, without seat belt on, to 250km/hr (even if it cannot go to 250km/hr, 160 would be sufficient actually) and crash straight into the road divider at the Pasir Ris Exit (to ensure the distance is enough to build up the speed).

Impact = Force x Change in Velocity, I think

There are several advantages to crash and burn in a Ferrari. First and foremost, death would be guaranteed and instantaneous. Secondly, it would be cool to die in a red hot sports car. I'm sure not everybody would be able to do it. Thirdly, the adrenalin rush from speeding above 150km/hr will neutralise the fear in the face of death (which is very important in suicides). Also, it will look more like an accident than a suicide so that my family will have less problems when trying to get the insurance pay out.

Another thing, I will have to postpone the execution to a later date cos 1. I dun want to ruin the happy mood for Chinese New Year, 2. I will have the time to settle all my unfinished business and 3. I can have some time to put a happy act so that people will not suspect my suicide. (again, makes it easier for insurance payout)

How? Good Plan?

As it is seen, the execution of the plan would be fairly simple. However, the build up and preparation is a bit more tedious and tricky. To ensure my departure is clean, I have to tie up all the loose ends in my life and make sure that everybody can carry on with their lives post my funeral.

I have the following things to settle:

Mother. Mothers are always tricky when it comes to suicides. Definitely she will be the one most affected by the outcome of the event. The more practical thing to do is to tell her how to claim all the insurance money that I have bought for myself. I got about two or three hundred plus thousand worth of policies, I think. There is also 2 things I would want to tell her: 1. Thank her for everything that she has given and done for me, and 2. I sometimes really hate her for bringing me up to the person I am now.

Father. I have not talked to my father on anything significant of important for as long as I can remember. It's always the "Hi", "Bye", "How is your day?" kind of stuff. Think I should have a good talk with him before I leave. He is a good father. Just wish he had spent more time with the family.

Kid Brother. I had always wanted to tell my brother that I am sorry for being such a bad elder brother to him. We used to play everything together when we were kids. But somewhere along the line, I started neglecting him for doing my own stuff. And I wanted to tell him how proud of him I am.

Kid Sister. I wished I had spent more time with my younger sister. She is the pride and joy and the apple of my eye. I will probably tell her to obey Mom and Dad and that kind of stuff and what a fine lady she has grown up to be. And of course, how proud I am of her.

Friends. I would want to spend one last time with each and everyone of my friends before I go. People like Debbie Tan, Cindy Ong and Ben Lim. I will tell them that they are some of the greatest friends in my life. Desmond Goh and Kelvin Poh are also my buddies from the Varsity. I want to thank them for all the time spent together. Ah Song is my buddy and best friend in the army. And THE nicest guy I've known. Sharon Low who is always there to listen to my whining. And I will tell her she is still the prettiest girl I know, and the reason Phyllis Quek is my favourite actress. I will tell Serena to take care of herself and she is the sweetest girl I know. I will tell Juni to be strong and things will get better (not very convincingly though) and I will do whatever I can to help her before I go. I would like to thank CPT Gan, CPT Alex(es) and the many people who have taught me much and showed me the ropes when I was in SAF. I also want to tell my ex-girlfriend (from like 10 years ago) again that I am sorry for all the hurts and heart breaks I had given her. And last but not least, I want to tell Jinlong what a friend he has been to me. Nobody understands me more than him.

And finally, I will tell Her, one last time, that I really love her very much.

That's the list of people I want to see one last time before I go. For the rest of the stuff, I think I have written most of them already here.