Wednesday, February 09, 2005

New year, new start, new life.

Strange that I should be contemplating this on Lunar New Year instead of the more common 1st January New Year of the Roman Calendar. Maybe is the slow melancholic mood this day that caused me to think much about my life.

Did nothing today except to sleep and eat, and of course, play guitar. The rest of the family had gone visiting but somehow, I dun really bother. In a way, it's kinda sad that the young (like me) are losing the values of kinship and family but rather spend some time for myself and doing my own thing.

And I sit here, in front of my comp, thinking about the meaninglessness of my life. And wonder what still keeps me going. What is the air that feeds my every breath, that I want to keep on breathing? And what is this life that I am holding so dear to? On one hand, everything seems so meaningless and yet, on the other, I can't seem to be able to let go.

Can somebody tell me what is this thing that I am holding on to? That I am not able to let go and thus, let go of everything? Obviously, something is holding me back, but what? Is it my parents? My sister? Anything and everything that is near and dear to me? Are they holding me back in this world and denying my request to leave? No. There seem to be Something Bigger that is holding me back, and refusing my departure.

But what is it? Sometimes I dun give a damn to anything and everything, but I cannot do it all the time. Often times I will be affected by the things going on around me, like my family, my friends and my work. Other times it feels so tiring and bothersome that I dun care anymore.

Dunno if I am making sense here. Am just writing whatever that comes into my head.


Anonymous sze shan said...

maybe its faith, hope and love.. certain things we know.. but are afraid to trust for fear of disappointment. and so we contemplate it fr a safe distance, till one day we gather enough courage to risk it again.. and cos we know there is light and life there, we baulk at the idea of returning to the darkness where we once came..

11:18 pm  

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