Saturday, February 05, 2005

I walk this lonely road, this only one that I ever known...

Warning: Morbid entry ahead

It's been 5 days and 12 hours since I heard the news. It's been a tough 5 and 1/2 days of emotional roller coaster. For 5 and 1/2 days, I went to sleep and wake up with the same feeling - like a knife piercing through the center of my heart. For the last 5 and 1/2 days, I wanted to die.

Today, I wake up more sober, more clear headed. It is a good thing cause, now that I can think properly, I can plan my suicide.

Its been a tough 26 years. I think I have had enough of it. This thing called "life" is getting a little too bothersome to maintain. I want to go to my Neverland.

Well, I have given much thought about it. I think the perfect way to die is to crash and burn in a Hot Red Ferrari F50. So the plan is very simple: For my suicide, I will proceed to rent a Ferrari for a day, go to TPE, drive, without seat belt on, to 250km/hr (even if it cannot go to 250km/hr, 160 would be sufficient actually) and crash straight into the road divider at the Pasir Ris Exit (to ensure the distance is enough to build up the speed).

Impact = Force x Change in Velocity, I think

There are several advantages to crash and burn in a Ferrari. First and foremost, death would be guaranteed and instantaneous. Secondly, it would be cool to die in a red hot sports car. I'm sure not everybody would be able to do it. Thirdly, the adrenalin rush from speeding above 150km/hr will neutralise the fear in the face of death (which is very important in suicides). Also, it will look more like an accident than a suicide so that my family will have less problems when trying to get the insurance pay out.

Another thing, I will have to postpone the execution to a later date cos 1. I dun want to ruin the happy mood for Chinese New Year, 2. I will have the time to settle all my unfinished business and 3. I can have some time to put a happy act so that people will not suspect my suicide. (again, makes it easier for insurance payout)

How? Good Plan?

As it is seen, the execution of the plan would be fairly simple. However, the build up and preparation is a bit more tedious and tricky. To ensure my departure is clean, I have to tie up all the loose ends in my life and make sure that everybody can carry on with their lives post my funeral.

I have the following things to settle:

Mother. Mothers are always tricky when it comes to suicides. Definitely she will be the one most affected by the outcome of the event. The more practical thing to do is to tell her how to claim all the insurance money that I have bought for myself. I got about two or three hundred plus thousand worth of policies, I think. There is also 2 things I would want to tell her: 1. Thank her for everything that she has given and done for me, and 2. I sometimes really hate her for bringing me up to the person I am now.

Father. I have not talked to my father on anything significant of important for as long as I can remember. It's always the "Hi", "Bye", "How is your day?" kind of stuff. Think I should have a good talk with him before I leave. He is a good father. Just wish he had spent more time with the family.

Kid Brother. I had always wanted to tell my brother that I am sorry for being such a bad elder brother to him. We used to play everything together when we were kids. But somewhere along the line, I started neglecting him for doing my own stuff. And I wanted to tell him how proud of him I am.

Kid Sister. I wished I had spent more time with my younger sister. She is the pride and joy and the apple of my eye. I will probably tell her to obey Mom and Dad and that kind of stuff and what a fine lady she has grown up to be. And of course, how proud I am of her.

Friends. I would want to spend one last time with each and everyone of my friends before I go. People like Debbie Tan, Cindy Ong and Ben Lim. I will tell them that they are some of the greatest friends in my life. Desmond Goh and Kelvin Poh are also my buddies from the Varsity. I want to thank them for all the time spent together. Ah Song is my buddy and best friend in the army. And THE nicest guy I've known. Sharon Low who is always there to listen to my whining. And I will tell her she is still the prettiest girl I know, and the reason Phyllis Quek is my favourite actress. I will tell Serena to take care of herself and she is the sweetest girl I know. I will tell Juni to be strong and things will get better (not very convincingly though) and I will do whatever I can to help her before I go. I would like to thank CPT Gan, CPT Alex(es) and the many people who have taught me much and showed me the ropes when I was in SAF. I also want to tell my ex-girlfriend (from like 10 years ago) again that I am sorry for all the hurts and heart breaks I had given her. And last but not least, I want to tell Jinlong what a friend he has been to me. Nobody understands me more than him.

And finally, I will tell Her, one last time, that I really love her very much.

That's the list of people I want to see one last time before I go. For the rest of the stuff, I think I have written most of them already here.


Blogger Handsel said...

so depressing, n terribly irresponsible for you to want to crash and burn like that. Cheer up guy, eat lots of bak kwa, it helps.

2:52 pm  
Blogger Maximus said...

dude man.. i think on a scale of "who's life is sadder" .. i think we're almost at the top of the charts.. heh..maybe its time to ask God what exactly does he want us to accomplish here before taking us up to Heaven...

think in life.. its not all bout relations..but by saying this.. dont you ever turn gay.. heh ...if it helps go visit the cancer centre.. orphanage... or homes like this.. and you will soon see the light as to how fortunate you are..

lastly.. nice having you as a budding bro. keep safe.

7:58 pm  
Blogger Maximus said...

was just RE reading this cynical post again... heh.. eh dude.. you've got to wait till may when i get back before you leave in order for you to fulfill your wish bout spending one last time with me.. also.. i think i've heard somewhere along the lines that suicide is considered to be a sin.. haha..

12:03 am  
Blogger ningx said...

hey don't be like that lah.
if you die no chance to see HER already right?
and no chance to see ur sis grow into a wonderful woman and get her first bf?
and as they say 'bai tou ren song hei tou ren', very 'bu ji li' and heartbreaking one.
you know you know you know?
cheer up lah! (:
even though im not in the best of moods myself.

1:11 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you sure you wanna crash a Felali? Sekali you don't die, you will be jailed for attempted suicide. Sekali you die, you will go to hell because as Max said, suicide is a sin.

Why don't you hire me to kill you?

Haha, just trying to cheer you up, that was a joke.

9:07 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone.

i know i am have no right to
say this,it's like who i am to you? i mean.(just a stranger)
But ,hey look.LISTEN!! even though
life's tough on me,
i've never gave up.

stop living in the life full of yourself!!
take a look at the people who are less fortunate than us all! the mute,the deaf,the lame,the handicap,the blind,the orphans.
Instead of thinking of methods to die,they are fighting bravely ,searching for reasons to live on.

and abt your mtd of committing suicide is way inconsiderate.Ever thought of the other drivers?
what if you lose control of your brakes and knocked onto their cars instead.

But, just in case you still want to die, let me teach you a better,safer,painless,quick way.

Dont can still be breathing your last breath in your red hot ferrari.

But this time,there is no need to drive. just on the radio, wind up the car screen,switch on the engine
think of her and close your eyes. thats all.

however,still, my bottom line is DONT DIE!!

Actually come to think about it, i was once like you , planned my suicide and all.
the only reason i am still standing today is i dont want to die alone. it's not that i want someone to die with me. but,i've walk a lonely road all my life. surely, you dont wanna die JUST like that right?
think about it.if you get what i mean. that is.

7:03 pm  
Blogger Guojun said...

These Anon comments are getting a little annoying. At least leave your name or something lah! So impolite.
If you are Pedestrian A, then say you are Pedestrian A lah. The next Anon can be Pedestrian B or something...

Cindy> Thanks Babe, but I dun have a fetish for Bak Kwa. Chocolate maybe.

Maxi> Turning gay is a good idea. Anyway, dun worry, I will wait for you to come back before I crash my Ferrari. (Not really my Ferrari, but...)

Ningx> Cheer up babe. =) Dun end up become like me.

Pedestrian A> No doubt suicide is a crime. Even if I die, I will be handcuffed in my coffin. As for it being a sin. But you think I really care now?

Pedestrian B> You are right. There are a lot of people less fortunate than myself. Peharps I should kill'em all before going for my joyride of no return. Of course I will do it in the wee hours of the night when nobody else is on the road, so that I will not cause a massive traffic jam when I die.

If you are not from Spore, let me tell you: When there is a traffic jam on the road, everybody will slowly and watch, but nobody will stop and help.

Finally, Crash N Burn is the best idea I can come up with. But if you have a better way to die, dun keep it to yourself. Do tell.

7:43 pm  
Blogger Guojun said...

Sorry, I mean "when the is a traffic accident on the road"

7:45 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

pedestrian B says:alright. i am pedestrian B , the one who typed the damn long post. Any rewards? :)

8:30 pm  
Blogger FF said...

Sorry lah, Pedestrian A was me. I don't know why I posted as anonymous... twas an accident.

8:36 pm  
Blogger Guojun said...

Pedestrian B> Rewards for? A better way die? Hmm.. Maybe I will put your name in my tomb stone: "Pedestrian B, thanks for the tip."

8:37 pm  
Blogger Guojun said...

FF> Cool babe.

8:38 pm  
Blogger Jayaxe said...

No!! Don't ever think of dying for nothing leh! Seriously, I know exactly how you're feeling.

If you've read one of my old entries, you would have known that I knew of a nice girl in secondary school. She was unattached for some time and I didn't dare to declare my interest in her.

When she later got attached, she told a friend that I would have got a chance if I had gone after her first. Thus, I knew exactly why you felt like killing yourself.

But, I later sorted it out even though it's a good chance passed by. Yes, I know no other girl can replace her for the moment. No other girl, no matter how pretty, you'd want to be with. Just that these are some things you can't control. Stay strong, man.

9:25 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cant resist putting in my comment to thank you for saying i'm the prettiest girl you know. =) thanks, friend.

think everyone of us thot of dying at least once in our life time. i thot of it 3 times. when my best friend hurt me (that was in pri sch), in J1 where i failed every possible subject and when my ex bf dumped me when i thot nothing could go wrong.

i wont say i understand what you are going through because situation varies. i cant tell you that you should look on the brighter side just bcause you are not suffering like that old man who has to humble himself to sell tissue papers only to be rejected by abled-ppl because pain cannot be measured on a scale of 1 to 10.

in any case, enjoy wallowing in pity now. i did that for months before i decided that he has his life to lead, i have mine. if my life fails i can only blame myself. we are 2 individuals and will always be.

this may sound cliche... but after every storm is a rainbow.

chin up! =)

12:19 pm  

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