I walk this lonely road, this only one that I ever known...

Warning: Morbid entry ahead

It's been 5 days and 12 hours since I heard the news. It's been a tough 5 and 1/2 days of emotional roller coaster. For 5 and 1/2 days, I went to sleep and wake up with the same feeling - like a knife piercing through the center of my heart. For the last 5 and 1/2 days, I wanted to die.

Today, I wake up more sober, more clear headed. It is a good thing cause, now that I can think properly, I can plan my suicide.

Its been a tough 26 years. I think I have had enough of it. This thing called "life" is getting a little too bothersome to maintain. I want to go to my Neverland.

Well, I have given much thought about it. I think the perfect way to die is to crash and burn in a Hot Red Ferrari F50. So the plan is very simple: For my suicide, I will proceed to rent a Ferrari for a day, go to TPE, drive, without seat belt on, to 250km/hr (even if it cannot go to 250km/hr, 160 would be sufficient actually) and crash straight into the road divider at the Pasir Ris Exit (to ensure the distance is enough to build up the speed).

Impact = Force x Change in Velocity, I think

There are several advantages to crash and burn in a Ferrari. First and foremost, death would be guaranteed and instantaneous. Secondly, it would be cool to die in a red hot sports car. I'm sure not everybody would be able to do it. Thirdly, the adrenalin rush from speeding above 150km/hr will neutralise the fear in the face of death (which is very important in suicides). Also, it will look more like an accident than a suicide so that my family will have less problems when trying to get the insurance pay out.

Another thing, I will have to postpone the execution to a later date cos 1. I dun want to ruin the happy mood for Chinese New Year, 2. I will have the time to settle all my unfinished business and 3. I can have some time to put a happy act so that people will not suspect my suicide. (again, makes it easier for insurance payout)

How? Good Plan?

As it is seen, the execution of the plan would be fairly simple. However, the build up and preparation is a bit more tedious and tricky. To ensure my departure is clean, I have to tie up all the loose ends in my life and make sure that everybody can carry on with their lives post my funeral.

I have the following things to settle:

Mother. Mothers are always tricky when it comes to suicides. Definitely she will be the one most affected by the outcome of the event. The more practical thing to do is to tell her how to claim all the insurance money that I have bought for myself. I got about two or three hundred plus thousand worth of policies, I think. There is also 2 things I would want to tell her: 1. Thank her for everything that she has given and done for me, and 2. I sometimes really hate her for bringing me up to the person I am now.

Father. I have not talked to my father on anything significant of important for as long as I can remember. It's always the "Hi", "Bye", "How is your day?" kind of stuff. Think I should have a good talk with him before I leave. He is a good father. Just wish he had spent more time with the family.

Kid Brother. I had always wanted to tell my brother that I am sorry for being such a bad elder brother to him. We used to play everything together when we were kids. But somewhere along the line, I started neglecting him for doing my own stuff. And I wanted to tell him how proud of him I am.

Kid Sister. I wished I had spent more time with my younger sister. She is the pride and joy and the apple of my eye. I will probably tell her to obey Mom and Dad and that kind of stuff and what a fine lady she has grown up to be. And of course, how proud I am of her.

Friends. I would want to spend one last time with each and everyone of my friends before I go. People like Debbie Tan, Cindy Ong and Ben Lim. I will tell them that they are some of the greatest friends in my life. Desmond Goh and Kelvin Poh are also my buddies from the Varsity. I want to thank them for all the time spent together. Ah Song is my buddy and best friend in the army. And THE nicest guy I've known. Sharon Low who is always there to listen to my whining. And I will tell her she is still the prettiest girl I know, and the reason Phyllis Quek is my favourite actress. I will tell Serena to take care of herself and she is the sweetest girl I know. I will tell Juni to be strong and things will get better (not very convincingly though) and I will do whatever I can to help her before I go. I would like to thank CPT Gan, CPT Alex(es) and the many people who have taught me much and showed me the ropes when I was in SAF. I also want to tell my ex-girlfriend (from like 10 years ago) again that I am sorry for all the hurts and heart breaks I had given her. And last but not least, I want to tell Jinlong what a friend he has been to me. Nobody understands me more than him.

And finally, I will tell Her, one last time, that I really love her very much.

That's the list of people I want to see one last time before I go. For the rest of the stuff, I think I have written most of them already here.