Re: R&R @ Kaoshiung, Day 1
Eh... Wanted to reply the comments from Sharon and Jade from the earlier post, but I think it needs space and attention to fully address the issues.
Both Jade and Sharon, and many other friends,
1st of all, I want to thank you for your concern and support so far. Same for all my friends. I know that a lot of people care for me. Without you guys I might not survived so long. But sad to say, I only "know" on the mental level. On the emotional level, I can never grasp the reality of somebody actually caring about me. I "know" but I cannot "feel". I. can. almost. never. feel.
"what puzzles me most is that you know, but yet you still do it..."
"Please don't just say u know...But do it..."
To reply those 2 comments, I would like to borrow the words of Apostle Paul:
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do... For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do–this I keep on doing... Romans 7: 15-19.
I'm not sure if any of you feel this same way as I do. It is very hard to struggle with all your might and at the end lose the battle. I sometimes think a heroin addict has an easier time than I do. I know that I am a wreck when it comes to dealing with my own emotions, and she knows about this very well also. But the worst part is that I know what I need to do but still I always fail to do it. Dun give me the "pray and God will help you" kind of answer. She always do it. It's totally cliche and practically helpless.
"...you dedicate one blog entry to blame God for being unfair and taking delight in seeing you in pain when He absolutely has no part in the mess you created."
I know that most the things that I am suffering is I "Zhi Zuo Zhi Shou" (own do own suffer) but I think to say God has no part in it is like saying God had no part in my life at all. I take comfort in the fact that many a great men of God before me had brought their own petitions of aparrent injustice to God. People like Job, Jeremiah and many psalmists had complaint that God had not been fair in His dealings with them. Of course, my own ramblings seems selfish and narrow-minded in comparison and I cannot be compared with the least of them. But still, I think it is better to get God involved than to have Him ignored.
So there, I appreciate your comments and advice but most of the time, I already know what I have to do. But like I said, the good that I want to do, I do not do it, the evil that I do not want to do, I keep on doing it. I DO, however, need your prayers more than anything. Pray anything that you deem appropriate. God will do the rest.
I think I have addressed everything I wanted to address. I hope none of you is offended by my response.
Both Jade and Sharon, and many other friends,
1st of all, I want to thank you for your concern and support so far. Same for all my friends. I know that a lot of people care for me. Without you guys I might not survived so long. But sad to say, I only "know" on the mental level. On the emotional level, I can never grasp the reality of somebody actually caring about me. I "know" but I cannot "feel". I. can. almost. never. feel.
"what puzzles me most is that you know, but yet you still do it..."
"Please don't just say u know...But do it..."
To reply those 2 comments, I would like to borrow the words of Apostle Paul:
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do... For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do–this I keep on doing... Romans 7: 15-19.
I'm not sure if any of you feel this same way as I do. It is very hard to struggle with all your might and at the end lose the battle. I sometimes think a heroin addict has an easier time than I do. I know that I am a wreck when it comes to dealing with my own emotions, and she knows about this very well also. But the worst part is that I know what I need to do but still I always fail to do it. Dun give me the "pray and God will help you" kind of answer. She always do it. It's totally cliche and practically helpless.
"...you dedicate one blog entry to blame God for being unfair and taking delight in seeing you in pain when He absolutely has no part in the mess you created."
I know that most the things that I am suffering is I "Zhi Zuo Zhi Shou" (own do own suffer) but I think to say God has no part in it is like saying God had no part in my life at all. I take comfort in the fact that many a great men of God before me had brought their own petitions of aparrent injustice to God. People like Job, Jeremiah and many psalmists had complaint that God had not been fair in His dealings with them. Of course, my own ramblings seems selfish and narrow-minded in comparison and I cannot be compared with the least of them. But still, I think it is better to get God involved than to have Him ignored.
So there, I appreciate your comments and advice but most of the time, I already know what I have to do. But like I said, the good that I want to do, I do not do it, the evil that I do not want to do, I keep on doing it. I DO, however, need your prayers more than anything. Pray anything that you deem appropriate. God will do the rest.
I think I have addressed everything I wanted to address. I hope none of you is offended by my response.
posted by Guojun at 12:06:00 pm
4 Comments:
The verses were mentioned by Pastor Melvin Mak yesterday. Oh yes, it completely describes my feeling now.
I think that's the very weakness of human nature. I feel equally guilty on that score. Yes, like you said, pray and God will do the rest. I will do just that, and for you too. ;)
12MS> Really? I missed church this week cos I just came back from Taiwan.
Anna> Thanks a lot. You are a real babe.
But Right now, I really feel like giving up.
i was about to go into the "read the scriptures in its context" blah blah blah.. but no la... our friendship goes beyond the intellectual phase. =) bleah...
i guess when i left a comment earlier...it's more about not sliming God la. i felt as His child i had to put things in perspective and to defend Him. that's all.
most of us have gone through what you have gone through so we can only sit on the other side of the fence and convince you to join us. much of it will still be your own effort to cross the fence.
it's tough but not impossible.
ps khong once said in everything, it's 100% God, 100% man. if you wanna wallow in the pit, even if God wants to help you, He cant. it's all about free-will.
enough of the spiritual blah before i get written off as a fanatic... haha...
my comment getting too long... hee... take care, pal.
sharon
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