Tuesday, April 12, 2005

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Oh God,

Does it pleasure You to test my faith to no end? Why is it that the one thing I desire, I do not get? Why is Your promise to me not fulfiled? Is it because of my sin? Or my faithlessness? Is it because I have not seeked You enough? What have I done wrong? Why do others get what they want but not me? What is it that they have that I do not have?

Why does the wicked prosper while the righteous perish? Did Your Word not say that You will bless the righteous? Am I not faithful enough? If I am wicked, why do You not let me prosper? If I am righteous then why do You not bless me? Am I not wicked or righteous enough, that You neither let me prosper or bless me?

Why is the only thing I desire I cannot get? Is it not better to have a heart with no desire than to burn with passion? Where is the Word that You gave to me now? Have my ears deceived me when I heard Your voice and Your promise? Shall I rather be deaf then? For to be deaf is better than hearing and be deceived by my own ears! Or is it my own heart that deceives me? My heart Oh my heart!!! Why do you burn for something which you will not acquire? If this is not for me to have, then why does it affect me so? Can I just shake the dust off my feet and say "Ha! Let's forget about it!"? If this is not mine to have from the beginning, then why do You not say so earlier? Why do I have to go this heartache again and again and again?

I am no man of great faith!! Why does it pleasure You to test me again and again? And Again! Will You not let me rest? Why do I have to be the one who keeps returning to the Refiner's fire while others can enjoy themselves? Is this my cross to bear? And no comfort will be given to me? Must I wait until I die before I see Your blessings? I do not have the faith of Abraham, you know!

Day and night I pray that You will grant my desire but yet You do not. Does it please You that I pray endlessly with no answer? Or are You afraid that by granting my heart's desire I will be drawn away from You? That once I get what I want, I will not come to You anymore? Why is it that others pray and You answer, while I continue to beat my chest in vain? Am I not Your child too? Or am I not worthy enough?

Oh Lord! Where are You that I seek You in vain? Does it please You that I lose everything and have only You? If this is so, then take away my arms and legs, my heart and my life! What good am I to You that have nothing but a void inside my heart?

If that desire is not to be mine to have, then why does it burn within me still? How I wish that I were a man without feelings! Does it not serve You better that I just obey Your commands? Why do You put within me this passion that cannot be quenched? Oh I wish that You will let me sleep and not awake, than be awake and plagued by this burning in my heart!

5 Comments:

Blogger FF said...

Don't put so much in the hands of God, then thou shalt not be too disappointed.

8:56 am  
Blogger vandice said...

Put everything into the hands of God, and you will never be disappointed. God says "Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" Matt 6:26

9:06 am  
Blogger Ruok said...

Bro, one cannot love to order, nor can one order to love. If you trust and believe God, He will present the one he has side aside to you eventually. Gordon Sumner once sang "If you love someone, set them free." If you love someone truly, you will only wish for the person to be happy, even if she does not end up being with you. Wanting to be with a person so much is possesiveness, not love. Have a look at 1 Cor : 13 again bro.

9:14 am  
Blogger 12mustardseeds said...

Our heavenly father will not forsake you. For He will grant us only the Best, let us wait in patience. Good things are worth the waiting. I have my struggles too, but will have to remind myself each day to trust in my Lord God.

9:26 am  
Blogger TriplePeriod said...

You have to start looking inside yourself on whether you are believing in him just so that he can bless you with what you want.... or whether you truly believe in him. But I do understand the reason for this post, you just need an answer for of this heartache that you are stuck in.

12:48 pm  

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