Thursday, May 11, 2006

3 days worth of blog...

3 days worth of blog?

Well, maybe... These 3 days a lot of things went through my mind and heart... Not sure what to blog actually.

On the happier side of things, I attended the BRC ORD BBQ yesterday. It's good to be back to the company again. Seeing the old faces and talking about the good o' times together. I'm sorry I had to leave earlier and cannot stay for the whole thing.

See Giles' little tribute to the commanders of BRC.


Right now, I am in a very "I hate myself" mood. I hate myself because I cannot say "no" to some things or some people.

Like for example, yesterday a colleague came and look for me, and asked to borrow some money. Because he needs to redeem his wife's gold necklace by the end of the day or else she will divorce him.

How can I say 'no' to a request like that? Maybe some people can think that his marriage or divorce is his own business, not mine, or anybody else's. But I cannot ignore a pled for help like that. Although he has borrowed money from me before and not returned still, I cannot find the heart to turn him away just like that.

So in the end I lent him the whole of my this month's pay for him to redeem his wife's necklace. He has promised to return the money (the amount he used to redeem the necklace, not the sum he had borrowed from me before) by the end of this week but I have yet seen the money. And the truth is, I am not very optimistic about getting back my money.

Did I do right or did I do wrong? I really dunno. I know many people reading this must be thinking I am very stupid. Now I got problem surviving for the rest of the month cos I got less than $100 left in my account.

God, please tell me, what am I to do? Did I do right or did I do wrong? And why me? Why Why Why? Is it because I am stupid? Issit because I need to learn to be more prudent with my money? Issit because I had been proud and careless in my spending? Please teach me!!!

One more thing, I really hate myself for always striving for acceptance from other people. No matter how much I try, I cannot run away from this. Almost everything and anything I do is to make people happy, so that they will like me.

Love. It is the one thing I had longed for as long as I remember. I know God loves me, but only in my mind. Sometimes my heart feels it, but everyday, my spirit and my soul seems to be thirsty without end, a thirst that cannot be quenched. God loves me. I know, but I do not know. What is this love that most of the time I cannot feel? And where do I go to seek it? My soul cannot find rest.

Unable to fully understand God's love for me, I turn to other people for love. But I cannot find one that can love me as much as I desire. So I turn back to God. Where am I to go? Lord! God! Help me!


Blogger Dancingpris said...

U are not stupid but too kind. However, make it as the last
time u lend money to him regardless of the reasons given
by him. Remember!

5:51 pm  
Blogger vandice said...

If the wife were to divorce him over a necklace, then the wife ain't worth having as a wife no?

Methinks (gut feeling) your friend has a gambling problem, and that is a bottomless pit to throw money into...

You need to put a stop to this, and get him to start paying you back installments every pay day.

4:53 am  

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