Wednesday, December 15, 2004


Every once in a while, I have this feeling that I am better off dead.
Sometimes, I just feel that nothing I did ever mattered. Nothing at all. Not to my family, not to my friends, not even to myself. The sense of worthlessness is so overwhelming I could hardly breathe. Those times, it is very hard to work. In fact, it is very hard to do anything - I would be very much zombified. I just wish I can cease to exist. I could never really convince myself how can I be of any worth to anybody, and how anybody could accept me for who I am.
Those times, it is better for me not to feel anything. If I cannot feel joy, peace or love, at least I would also not feel any pain, despair or loneliness. Loneliness is the most unbearable feeling; and loneliness and despair very much goes hand in hand for me. It is the basis of Hell. Very much like the solitary cells in prison, where I am given the life sentence without parole. Sometimes it felt worse, like I woke up in a coffin, buried six foot underground a la Kill Bill Vol 2. There is no way to get out, there is nothing I can do and nobody can save me. All I have is an eternity of darkness until I am actually dead.
Those times, I do really feel that I am better off dead.
The eye of my heart sees nothing but darkness. Endless, pitch-black darkness. Light sometimes glides pass me, almost elusively, in the form of caring friends or beautiful music. Sometimes, but rarely, in random acts of kindness. But most of the time, my heart searches blindly for that light. With no guidance or even a clue, I can only grope along slowly for any hint of a ray of Hope, just so much as to keep me alive.
And where is this Saviour that I am suppose to know? And why hasn't He called upon the Light to shine through my darkened world? He is suppose to be near me, by my side - He says He is - but why have I not seen Him, felt Him or even touch Him? In my own blinded world, I stretched my hands out fully, frantically searching for The One who can pull me out from this darkness, if only to grab hold to His shirt. But why can't I find Him? Where is He? How long more must I continue to search? And why hasn't He responded to my cry for help?
I pray He would just reach out and grab my hand. I have heard rumors of that kind of things happening, you know - to cross over from the Darkness to the Eternal Morning. Just wish that it will happen to me soon. That is my only hope


Blogger FF said...

Dude, where's your Christmassy spirit?

Don't worry, all of us feel that way at one time or another. We just have to remain positive and optimistic. Things will get better.

Btw, it may not be a Him that pulls you out of your misery, for all you know, it may be a Her. ;)

11:46 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you could try reading Tuesdays with Morrie or the five people you meet in heaven by Mitch helps :-)

12:11 am  
Blogger Geetika said...

Take a chill pill :)

This is whats happened to almost every person of the human race...i faced spells of darkness too, but then, while its dark in half the world, the other half is shining pretty !!

Cheer up - like they say ;
tough times never last, tough people do !!

12:17 am  
Blogger Maximus said...

Dude, whats happening man... It seems that you're drained out, you're always nostalgic, you're always tired, you hate your life, you feel like a loner, you even sound so sian over msn when we talk...
If it makes you feel any better, look at me.. I'm sure you know what had happened in my life just a year and a half ago. (if you dont, ask me on msn).. anyway.. 1;ve got two for you..
1)there are definitely always someother people who's in poignant agony much more than you..
2)if i can continue with my life (even if it means I'm a hermit now)..sowhat have you?
be contented with your life, be thankful that you still have people around you that cares and love specifically perhaps your dad cause i lost mine..
and lastly, since you're a strong believer in God, you must know he's not taking you in until your "business(es)" is done on Earth.
Quit bleating and continue breathing.. I know its harsh but If this is the only way I can drill my message into you, I will. It hurts me to see you go on like this..
(ps, you can also delete this comment if you want to) much as i would like to speak to you in confrontation but i cant

1:01 am  
Blogger vandice said... least you are open enough to be honest about how you're feeling...that's a step forward rite? And your life is not so bad, after all, you're coming up with a christmas wish list tt people actually READ and do something about. You have friends, many friends, and family as well. Take heart, as the saying goes, you gotta break it down to build it up...

1:24 am  
Blogger Von said...

You're not the only one who feel this way, don't worry about that. I always find myself sucked into the black hole, once in a while.
Like one of my good pal used to say: "The only way after hitting rock-bottom is up, up,up and away!"

12:34 pm  

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